Rain

Today it rained. And I’m not talking hey look it’s drizzling outside. More like my word the sky is pouring buckets and I can’t see anything and oh wow I shouldn’t have worn white.

I’m talking thunder rolling and lightning crashing and water drenching everything in its wake: people included.

Ah. My favorite kind of rain.

I absolutely love thunderstorms. They will forever remind me of my mom, sitting in her rocking chair with chai tea and a good book, looking at me and saying, “Ah. I love this,” as thunder booms throughout the house.

They remind me of lying in my bed at home and waking up to echoes of thunder, smiling as I snuggle up in my blankets and drift back to sleep.

I think of running outside without an umbrella or poncho or rain boots, letting my hair down and spinning in circles, water soaking me from the sky.

I think of being carefree.

My life has taken a whole lot of turns in the past year. Just a few months ago I was planning on packing up my bags and heading to Andrews University next year to pursue a degree in Speech Pathology. I had already applied and gotten accepted, and while preparing myself for switching schools, I was taking classes like A&P that left me staring at a book for hours, trying to understand action potentials.

And then? Well, I switched my major back to Elementary Education. I have my interview for the program next week, and my homework is now full of lesson plans and my school days are full of hopping in a car and swinging by a school to teach some kids a thing or two. I love it.

This year I’m learning how to lose friends. It’s a terrible reality that often leaves me standing still, feeling like I’m watching those I love turn around and walk away. It has been a struggle for me. I’ve had good friends get in serious relationships which leaves me on the sidelines, trying to cheer them on when all I really want to do is cry and beg things back the way they were.

I’m learning to let go and move forward, even though I often don’t want to.

But the biggest thing of all is that I have decided to spend the next ten months of my life in Bolivia. I am going to an orphanage to be a mom, a cook, a teacher, and the list goes on. I am leaving everything, and everyone, I know. I am taking a risk, going out on a limb, heading out for the adventure of a lifetime. And it leaves me speechless, tears running down my cheeks, thinking what in the world am I doing? Is this what I am supposed to do?

It has torn my heart, as part of me is with those kids over there but the bigger part is still here at home with my family, with my mom and my dad and my sister and brother. By leaving, I feel like I am hurting them. And it breaks my heart.

I’ve spent so much time tossing back and forth, thinking oh I must go and oh I must stay. I’ve poured my heart out to God, begging Him just to play out what’s best, what will bring the most good, so I don’t have to make a decision.

But I do. And I have. I printed the fundraising letters today. I wish I could say I feel lighter.

I just feel like I have spent this entire year making life-altering decisions, one after the other. Some I stick to, and others? Throw it out and try again.  My life is constantly changing, I’m constantly adjusting, and sometimes I'm left exhausted, my hands in the air, thinking what’s next?

I’ve been standing still, watching friendships and relationships and miscommunications tumble down around me.

And then I’ve been living glorious days like today: Biking down the promenade with Kim, catching convocation with Russell, chatting for a couple hours with Natalie, and listening to Rachell run into the room to tell me that we, as roommates, have officially reached the marriage stage. I love how I don’t have to worry about our friendship. We can just do our own thing, and I know we are always friends. Rach, me too. You don’t even know.

I’ve been living life with all its ups and downs. The moments that leave me feeling like the only person in the room and the ones that leave me wondering if life could possibly get any better.

It’s like I’m standing in pouring rain, life falling down all around me, booming thunder and crashing lightning and soaking me in its wake.

And it is so easy for me to beg it stop. I don’t want anymore change. I don’t want to leave what I know. Leave me with the comfortable and easy and familiar.

It’s like I’m in a flat-out rainstorm, with a little bucket, trying to catch it all before it hits me. I make myself a victim of circumstances.

But life is change. Life is growing and choosing and losing and gaining. Life is falling down and getting back up. Life is making hard decisions. Life is moving forward.

And I’m learning to give up on the umbrella and rain boots and poncho. I’m learning to let my hair down and spin in circles and look up into the sky and say let the water pour, the thunder roll, the lightning crash.

That’s my favorite kind of rain.