Do You

I have always been a bit of a peacemaker. I’m not really too fond of conflict and my goodness don’t even get my started on confrontation. Resultantly, communication has never been my strong suit. It’s pretty bad actually. But on the upside, it’s proven really handy in interviews. What are your strengths? Blah blah blah. What are your weaknesses? Oh I know! I know! I don’t communicate!!! Never have to think too hard on that one.

But you know. I can totally get by without communicating. It’s not like no one has the ability to read my thoughts or anything. (That was a joke.)

So here’s the deal. To make a really long story short, my senior year of high school my lack of communication, and a few other factors, got myself into a bit of a pickle. One of my friends became upset with me, and as the year went on it only got worse. It went from oh wow this is kind of awkward conversations to oh no she’s in the room I should leave. Basically, I spent the entire year tiptoeing around halls, crying myself to sleep, and avoiding people I longed to talk to for the sake of “keeping the peace.” But peace? That’s the last thing I felt.

And here’s the kicker: I had done nothing wrong. I had nothing to be ashamed of. But instead of embracing that and doing my thing with confidence, I hunkered in the corner and pretended to be someone else for the sake of people’s opinions of me. I gave up who I was in an effort to be who I thought they wanted me to be, they being the very people who left me feeling betrayed and used. It was just a mess.

But goodness. No need to get into all that. Senior year is long gone, the fight is long over, and I’m thankful to say that we are friends again with no hard feelings. But I told this story to say that, although it was hard and painful and I hope to never experience something like that again, I am glad it happened. Because I learned my lesson.

I learned that I am capable of making my own decisions, and good ones, too.

I learned that I don’t need to be embarrassed of who my friends are.

I learned that I don’t need to be ashamed of who I am.

I learned that it doesn’t matter what other people think of me. What matters is that I am living my life with integrity. And if I am? Well, then I am good to go.

Now, obviously these thoughts aren’t constantly living it up in my head. Wouldn’t that be the day?! It’s very true that negative thoughts are in there, too.  I can never get on top of everything. I always have something left to do. I am a procrastinator. I don’t put enough effort into my classes. I’m too this. I’m too that. I’m not enough this or enough that. Good grief. Just writing those down is depressing.

But here’s the thing. When I think those things? I realize it is unhealthy. So then? Well, I just give myself  a new, healthy message. I am on top of everything. I will get everything done. I am efficient. Blah blah blah. HELLO. Saying nice things to yourself will be the best thing you do all day. (If you do something better, please invite me along.)

What I am trying to say is that I am becoming aware of how much say I really do have. I am becoming aware of the extreme benefits of communicating, even though it can be scary. I am becoming aware of how wonderful my life is and how much my perspective affects what kind of day I have.

And man, I’m not giving all the credit for this to my senior year. It’s also strongly due to incredible books, deep conversations with those I'm closest to, growing closer and closer to God (and discovering who God is to me personally), and a whole lot of Mom sermons. But feeling controlled that year and feeling stripped of who I was? Well, that was a turning point.

And now? I can see the changes in myself, and I am so thankful for them. I have a ways to go, but I am confident in who I am becoming. I’m glad to know that I live in a world full of limitless possibilities, mine for the taking. And I’m hoping every day to be more and more genuine, more and more considerate, more and more reflective of God’s love. I want to be true to who I am and walk my path with confidence and integrity.

I want to live out the words of Etta Turner, “In a world where you can be anything, be yourself.” Because really? That's the greatest thing you could ever do, the best thing you could ever be.

Here's me with my sister, Savana, one of the most genuine people I know.